so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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