You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
