i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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