i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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