He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
