I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
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