Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
