I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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