The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
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