brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
