I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm just crazy horny about you
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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