Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
