i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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