i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
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