haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
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