Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
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