its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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