I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
