his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
