Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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