are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
