My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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