God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
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I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
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