Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Randomize
