In America we eat man semen.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
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