Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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