well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Found the puke drawer
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
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