just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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