obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
