I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
