She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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