OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
