Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
