I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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