did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
