Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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