I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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