i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
