This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
