She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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