well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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