it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
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you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
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You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"