just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn