dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
that's an acceptable place to lick
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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