ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
