he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
This is my gift to your gina
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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