I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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