I met the friendliest cop last night
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
