you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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