I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
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