he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
