Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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