You're my little dorito
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
