I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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