I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
There is an asian family here, I heard the mom call her son onyong
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
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