I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
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the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
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the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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