I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
you had me at cake vodka
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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