The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
