She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
Randomize
