i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
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