she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
She even gives head with a lisp.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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